Big Fat Negative

I spent most of the last week trying to figure out if everything I was feeling was a symptom of pregnancy or PMS. Sore breasts, mild cramps, moodiness--I had it all, I just didn't know what it meant. One minute I was sure I was pregnant, the next I'd be convinced that the IUI hadn't worked. It was maddening.

I was scheduled to get an HCG blood test on Friday, two weeks after the IUI. That meant I would get the news about the test later that day, while I was at work. I was worried that if it was negative, I would be a sobbing mess at work, so I took a pregnancy test Thursday night to prepare myself. I told my husband beforehand that even if the home test was negative, it might not be definitive, since my HCG levels might just not be high enough yet to trigger a positive test. I had read about women having negative or partial positive tests at home, only to find out that their blood test was positive.

So I took the test. And it was negative. I'm not even going to use the cute BFN acronym, I want to spell it out, and shout it out loud: BIG FAT NEGATIVE! There was no faint positive line, it was absolutely negative. All the words I had said before I took the test just washed away, and I knew in my heart that the IUI hadn't worked. As expected, I spent the rest of the night crying, and being mad at my husband for not being as upset as I was. Even though I was more prepared for it this time, I was still really disappointed. Everything had gone according to plan this cycle, and it still failed.

I went for my blood test the next morning, but due to a mix-up at the lab, I didn't get the result until Saturday (making me even more glad that I had taken the home test on Thursday, or I would have been going out of my mind). Unsurprisingly, it was negative.

I talked to my doctor, and expressed my concern that I only had one mature follicle when we triggered. She wasn't concerned about that at all, and pointed out that I had two 13-14 mm follicles that could have also matured after the last ultrasound. She said that we could increase the Follistim dosage to 75 IU for 3 days, and then go down to 50 IU to try to increase the number of mature follicles next time. In general, she was very pleased at how this last cycle progressed (other than the fact that I'm not pregnant). She pointed out that I've probably only ovulated a handful of times in my entire life, so we can't expect everything to work perfectly the first time out.

The progesterone suppositories did their job, and kept my period at bay, so now I'm just waiting for Day 1, so we can start all over again.